For years I’d been ambivalent about parenthood, weighing pros and cons, and ending up mentally exhausted but nowhere near a definitive answer that would feel right in my gut.

At 32 I had to make my decision and live with it. I was diagnosed with cancer and knew that I’d have to have kids soon if I wanted any. What followed was a deep-dive inside, to sense what I truly wanted, toning down for a while external expectations & norms.

It wasn’t easy but it made all the difference!

The breakthrough came when I allowed myself to sense what I wanted and why, without worrying about what I need to do next. Disconnecting the WHAT from the HOW allowed me a way out of the mental loop of indecision, and futile pros & cons lists.

Once I knew why I wanted to be a parent, I felt at ease to decide what to do about it

But parenthood wouldn’t come easily. What followed was a diagnostic of infertility, multiple rounds of IVF (the treatment with the highest success rates - but no guarantees - for infertility), miscarriages, along with tests and procedures that could boost the chances of bringing home a child.

At the time I was juggling with a demanding career in Communications, and taking turns with my partner to commute by plane every two weeks. Throughout this 4-year journey we changed jobs and countries, learned a new language to settle in (German), and slowly built a support network away from home.

To say it was hard would be an understatement.

Longing for “a tribe”

My journey was filled with emotional highs and lows. The emotional carousel that often accompanies IVF is a natural response of the body to the medication, but also to the uncertainty, failure and grief that goes hand in hand with the treatment for many people.

During my time of parenthood ambivalence, as well as during my IVF journey, I dearly missed being part of a “tribe” of people going through the same experience! A group who would meet regularly to share and normalise whatever is going on in their lives, learn new ways to cope, have a good laugh, cry, and support one another.

1 in 6 people globally grapple with infertility - a conservative estimate of the World Health Organisation. Yet, because it is a private matter, most people feel isolated and vulnerable throughout this journey. Family and friends who have never been through assisted reproduction (ART) often find it difficult to relate. And who can blame them, when ART is so complex and difficult to understand for most people outside the medical profession.

(Chances are that 1 in 6 of your friends might experience infertility. It won’t make up for your challenges, but I hope that knowing this can help you feel less alone.)

When we changed countries, finding another soul to speak about IVF felt harder than landing on Mars. I promised myself that one day I will create a space where people experiencing infertility can do just that: feel that they are not alone, but part of a tribe.

Click here to get more information and sign up.

When science feels like a privilege

Throughout this journey I came across my share of “fertility boosters” and spent countless hours searching on the internet for scientific evidence to confirm their wondrous claims. 9 out of 10 times there was nothing to be found. But the more ostentatious the claim (Get pregnant with twins in 30 days!) the higher the price.

When you pay 10-40,000 €/$ for an IVF cycle, spending 300 on a supplement seems like spare change.

I also got frustrated with the many paywalls standing between me and scientific articles, particularly on the impact of stress on conception and pregnancy. I’d heard so many times that I should “just relax and it will happen” that I’d become anxious and guilty about feeling anxious.

Getting access to scientific research, as a member of the European Society for Human Reproduction & Embryology, made all the difference! Finally I could tell facts from fiction and this brought me tremendous relief.